


Close Enough

by Penthos



Category: Captain America (Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: M/M, spoilers for cap 2, this was meant to be fluff idk what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 21:58:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1444351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penthos/pseuds/Penthos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Steve thinks about it, his life has pretty much been a collection of almosts. Almost joining the army, almost getting his dance with Peggy, almost losing Bucky (although that had felt pretty certain at the time). And there have been a lot of almosts with Bucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close Enough

When Steve thinks about it, his life has pretty much been a collection of almosts. Almost joining the army, almost getting his dance with Peggy, almost losing Bucky (although that had felt pretty certain at the time). And there have been a lot of almosts with Bucky.

* * *

It started at Coney Island. It was summer and they were teenagers and it was a simple blessing just to be out of the orphanage and in the sun. The day was nearing it's end and Steve wished they could stay a little longer. He also wished he had brought his sketch book, because Bucky beside him on the pier, eyes closed and head tipped back in the sun, was a sight that made his fingers itch for a pencil. It's not like he hadn't drawn Bucky before, (that idea's almost laughable because Steve had pages and pages filled with nothing but Bucky all tucked away safely where no one could find them), but sitting there as if he had no troubles in the world, Steve wanted to capture that moment and keep it because he didn't think he'd ever seen Bucky looking so peaceful. 

Maybe he'd felt his gaze because then Bucky was opening one eye and peering at Steve who looked away quickly. 

"What is it?" He said lazily, opening both eyes and stretching his feet out over the edge of the pier.

Steve shrugged and didn't answer. That made Bucky sit up, shuffling closer and nudging Steve's skinny shoulder.

"Why were you looking at me like that?" He asked, voice soft and encouraging, like it always was when he wanted Steve to tell him something. Nine times out of ten it worked.

"I wanted to draw you. You looked... calm." Steve huffed and looked away again.

"Oh yeah?" A grin stretched over his face. "Well I promise you can draw me all you like when we get back. I always knew I had it in me to be an artist's model."

Steve couldn't help but laugh at that, and elbowed Bucky in the ribs.

"Jerk." He muttered, still grinning.

"Punk." 

The silence stretched between them for a moment before Bucky spoke again.

"If I could draw, I'd draw you."

That's a funny thing to say and Steve felt a little lost for words so he stayed silent and thankfully Bucky spoke again,

"You're not bad lookin', you know that Stevie?"

Steve's mouth was suddenly incredibly dry and he could hear his heart a little bit and he looked up to ask if Bucky knew what he was saying and-

Bucky was closer then he'd expected and Steve, honest to God, had no idea what to do because this was something that only happened in his deepest darkest dreams, this was something that would never happen in real life because Steve had convinced himself that it wouldn't because it was so much easier to do so than to be hopeful about something completely impossible.

"Bucky." He whispered and instantly regretted it. Bucky blinked and his eyes widened as he realised what he'd been about to do. Steve saw something flicker across his face; disgust probably, or regret or something equally awful and he waited for Bucky to say something but he didn't, he just stood up and walked away.

They didn't speak about it and on the way back Steve wondered if the heavy feeling in his chest was an asthma attack coming on. It wasn't.

* * *

Thankfully, four years down the line the incident had been (mostly) forgotten by both parties and their friendship was as strong as ever, if a little strained. It was the day before Bucky was shipped off and Steve knew it was selfish of him, but he desperately didn't want him to leave. Spending almost all your life with a guy did that to you.

Anyway, Bucky'd found two beautiful dames, both of whom were more interested in him than Steve and despite spending the night dancing and drinking and laughing Steve felt a bit hollow inside because he couldn't help but think that that could be his last night with Bucky. 

The walk home was quiet and solemn and Steve wanted to talk to Bucky but he seemed deep in thought so he left him to it. 

"I'm gonna miss you, Steve." He said once they'd got in, sitting heavily on the couch and removing his cap. He patted the space next to him and Steve sat down.

"You'll miss me, right?" Bucky said, and Steve wished he didn't have that desperation in his voice. He almost laughed because of course he'd miss Bucky, as much as he'd miss losing a limb, and Bucky must've been raving mad to think that Steve would do any less than miss him.

"Of course I'll miss you. Who's gonna patch me up after I pick a fight with sixteen guys three times the size of me?" He meant it as a joke but immediately regretted it when Bucky turned a panicked look on him.

"Don't you dare. If you get yourself killed somehow-"

"Buck-"

"No, Steve, shut up. Don't get in trouble, hear me? I'm not gonna be the one receiving a telegram, I swear."

For a moment, Steve hates him. Hates him for bringing it up, the subject that they'd successfully managed to tiptoe around since Bucky'd signed up because neither want to think about what would happen if Bucky died.

"I'm sorry." Bucky said after a while.

"S'okay. I'll see you there soon enough." Steve grinned at him and Bucky offered a wan smile.

"Sure you will. Just put on a few dozen pounds and lose the asthma and they'll accept you in a heartbeat."

Steve sighed.

"Easier said than done."

"Yeah well, I like you just how you are. Don't change, Stevie."

They looked at each other and Steve wondered how many moments like this they've shared, just looking. It's an easy thing to do. Steve tells himself it's because he's studying Bucky, picking out the shadows and highlights for his sketchbook, but he knows there's another reason, one that he's reluctant to look at too deeply. 

Bucky's eyes dropped and Steve copied the movement, looking at Bucky's lips and oh, that meant Bucky was looking at _his_ lips and then he was leaning towards Steve and this can't be happening, he thought, not now not the day before Bucky leaves and Steve wanted to scream with the unfairness of it all, and he told himself it was because he couldn't drag Bucky down into this mess that he stood up.

"I think I'm going to bed." He said, ignoring the look on Bucky's face that meant absolutely nothing.

Steve didn't cry when Bucky left. He hugged him and called him a jerk and told him not to finish the war before he got there and Bucky laughed his same old laugh and told Steve not to get himself into trouble and then he was gone.

Steve couldn't sleep for a week because all he could think about was the look on Bucky's face the night before he left.

* * *

Things did change. Steve got bigger, joined the army and met Peggy. He fought, he pretended to fight and he made speeches, and he would've liked to say that he didn't think about Bucky every damn day but that would be a lie.

And then he was on a mission and he was freeing the men who would make up his closest group of friends for the next two months and he entered a room and saw-

The breath left his lungs in a whoosh and for a moment he thought he was having an asthma attack and was about to reach for his inhaler before he remembered that he didn't need it anymore. 

He rushed to the table and god, it looked awful. Bucky was strapped down and Steve didn't dwell on those dark stains on the floor, just unbuckled the straps as fast as he could.

"I thought you were dead." He whispered as he lifted Bucky up into a standing position. He was so drugged up on something he could barely support his own weight. 

"I thought you were smaller." 

Steve wanted to kiss him and that time he didn't push the thoughts away. He didn't do it either though, because Bucky was too out of it and people were probably going to start shooting at them if they spent any longer in the same place but he made a promise with himself that one day he'd kiss Bucky Barnes. 

 

It happened again and again and again. Each time Steve's heart beat a little faster, his chest got a little tighter and the light in Bucky's eyes got a little dimmer. They were interrupted, a phone rang, one time they were almost shot (they were asked later why they'd been stationary targets. Both blushed and mumbled something about a misunderstanding) and Steve never got any closer to Bucky Barnes' lips. He hated himself for it, for his timing and his nerves and he hated the fact that Bucky never pulled away. 

Steve Rogers never did get to kiss Bucky Barnes because he fell off a moving train and over a cliff that no one, not even a super soldier could've survived, and Steve could only watch him go and scream his name. He almost followed him as well, and if it wasn't for the rest of his team, for the safety of his country, he'd have let go in a heartbeat. 

Steve did cry that night. He felt ten years old again, huddled up in the cold except Bucky was with him there, Bucky was always with him and Steve felt as if a part of him had been ripped out, so he cried like a kid and wished he could go back to the start.

* * *

When Steve saw the Winter Soldier's eyes for the first time he didn't recognise them as Bucky's. They were cold and dead and dull whereas Bucky's were bright and full of life and that mischievous glint that Steve loved and there was no way that the man with the metal arm was his best friend.

It was a week later when he realised.

"Bucky?" He'd said because there was no mistaking that face, the face that had haunted his dreams and nightmares and the one that Steve had been so sure he would never see again. It was like a punch in the gut.

"Who the hell's Bucky?" 

Steve's stomach dropped but he didn't miss the look on Buck- the Winter Soldier's face. It was confused and slightly scared and Steve wanted to analyse it and figure out what it meant, but then he was turning back to the only thing he knew what to do and Steve had to duck behind his shield to avoid a mouthful of bullets.

The next time Steve saw him they were on the helicarrier and this time there were bullets in him but he moved despite the agonising pain because he knew it would hurt more if he left Bucky to die. 

"You know me." He insisted. Bucky punched him. 

"You've known me your whole life," Steve dragged himself upright again, and although every move like another bullet in him he kept going. "Your name is James Buchanan Barnes-"

"Shut up."

He fell again but not before he saw the flicker of recognition in Bucky's eyes.

"I'm not gonna fight you," He said, and he could his strength leaving him as he let go of his shield. "You're my friend."

Bucky paused and for a fleeting second Steve wondered if something had changed. The next thing he knew he was on his back, inches from the edge of the broken ship and a metal fist was connecting with his mouth. 

"You're my mission." The words cut through him like a knife, hurting more than the punches that just kept coming, and it was like he was back in Brooklyn, skinny and weak having picked a fight with a guy twice his size who was pummelling him with fists, only to be shoved off by Bucky who would come to his rescue, because he always did. Except this time it's him punching. Still, Steve doesn't give up. He wondered what Bucky would've said, if it were him. Too dumb to run away from a fight, probably.

"Then finish it," He managed to say and Bucky stalled, "Because I'm with you 'til the end of the line." 

He saw it. Bucky's eyes were his again and Steve felt like his chest was going to burst and for a moment he forgot where he was and he was back in Brooklyn again and Bucky was just teaching him how to fight and-

The floor fell away and Steve lost consciousness. 

* * *

It's almost three months after those events that Steve's sitting in his room in the Stark Tower with Bucky Barnes. He's on his way to recovery, they both are, and for the most part things are going incredibly well. He still wakes up some mornings and goes to check on Bucky, that he's still there and that this isn't some horrible nightmare; and he is. What's more, their friendship is getting back to what it was before. It's difficult, trying to make friends with your best friend because he barely remembers you, but they work through it. 

So they're sitting in Steve's room, and there's been something on Steve's mind that's been there for around 70 years, give or take.

"Hey, Buck." He says, a question in his voice. Bucky looks up from his book, which Steve is pretty sure is Harry Potter but he doesn't say anything.

"Do you remember anything from before?" They've talked about this already, countless times when Steve and everyone else tried to jog his memory, but he only ever remembered snapshots. 

"I've already told you what I do." Bucky says, but he puts the book down signalling that the conversation isn't over. Steve shifts a little.

"Yeah, I know, but I was wondering if there was anything else. That you might not want to share with Tony and the others." He says the last part quicker and stares at the ceiling. In his peripheral vision, Bucky's staring at him and doesn't speak for a very long time. Steve's about to brush it off as nothing when Bucky says something. 

"Um, I'm not sure. I- I'll let you know if I do," He pauses again and there's a peculiar look on his face, "I'm gonna go to bed now." He gets up but stops with his hand on the doorknob.

"G'night, Steve." He says by the door, turning round and giving him a smile, as if to make sure there're no hard feelings. Steve smiles back.

"Goodnight, Bucky."

* * *

It's a week later when Steve gets a tentative knock on his door. He opens it.

"Bucky, you know you don't need to knock to come in."

Bucky shrugs and walks past him to sit on the bed.

"Just being polite, I guess." He seems nervous.

"What's up?" Steve asks, and sits beside him. He hasn't been like this for a while, and Steve's worried for a moment; what if Bucky's not fixed? What if he killed someone? 

"Jeez, Steve, don't look at me like that, you'll break your eyeballs."

Steve doesn't laugh.

"I came to tell you, um- you told me to tell you if I, well, remembered anything," Steve lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding but Bucky keeps going, "And I, er, did."

Steve doesn't want to push him but he also doesn't want Bucky to retreat again. He nudges him on the shoulder, like he did when they were kids and Bucky relaxes a little.

"The stuff I told you and the others, about the war and the orphanage and the things like that, that's all true. But there's other stuff. I didn't want to say it in front of everyone because, jeez Steve, I don't think they should deserve to know."

He looks so small sitting there all of a sudden that Steve wants to wrap him up in something and hold him forever. Ironic, he thinks vaguely, that used to be him.

"Just- I remember when it was winter in the orphanage and it was so cold and you were so small and god, you'd shake so much and you couldn't even breathe and every damn year I thought you were gonna die and I told myself that if you did I'd join the army because maybe I'd die too and-" He stops and takes a shaky breath. 

"I remember when we were on Coney Island and you told me you wanted to draw me and I'd never felt so damn happy in my life and-" He stops again, but this time he glances at Steve. "I was gonna kiss you then, but I didn't because I didn't wanna ruin your life. I wanted to kiss you so bad but then I left for the war and figured I'd never see you again so I tried to forget you but damn it, Steve, you're one tough bastard to forget about."

Steve laughs weakly but Bucky barely notices. He stares at his hands, one flesh, one metal, and keeps talking.

"And then I did see you and god, Steve, you changed so much but it was still you and- and then I fell of the damn cliff and everything else happened in-between." He takes a breath and Steve is at loss for words because Bucky wants to kiss him, or wanted, and god, his head's spinning too much and Bucky's looking at him with imploring eyes.

"Do- do you still want to kiss me?" 

Bucky stares at him and Steve wonders if maybe he hallucinated everything that was just said, but then Bucky nods. 

It's easier than he would've expected, to kiss someone. Steve leans in and presses their lips together and he wants to laugh because for 70 years he's been thinking about kissing Bucky Barnes and now it's happening, and it's soft and sweet and Steve thinks he would be the happiest man on the earth if he could just stay there forever and ever. 

Steve's life was filled with a lot of almosts and most of them included Bucky. So when those almosts became real it was like the final puzzle piece had fitted into place and he could see the whole picture. It was pretty evident from that, that even when Steve Rogers had nothing, he had Bucky.


End file.
